Never look at the accounts of past dates. I stupidly had a peek at MG’s, and his status is now ‘In A Relationship’.
I don’t know why it bothers me. We wouldn’t have worked. His home life was the wrong set up for me. We lived too far apart. We were both financially stressed. I suppose it’s because he was the closest I’d come to finding someone I could imagine having a future with and because of the way it ended, because I think everything he told me was a lie (despite him always saying what an honest person he was). It irks me. I guess that’s what they call closure. Or a lack of it. But most, if not all, online dating ends with a lack of closure.
I know I am not the most interesting person in the world. I may run my own business. It sounds glamorous. It really isn’t. I published a book. That sounds a bit ‘JK Rowling’. It really isn’t. But I could be making more of it and I know that. When you get older, you realise you can’t change the world and with that comes a laziness that is a part of that realisation. It’s why I don’t rant about political subjects. You can’t change anything. You can’t make the world a better place.
The fact that I am self employed leaves my personal budget limited, and my social mobility restricted. It means I am not getting out there, meeting people, doing things and that is having an adverse effect. I’ve been here before on more than one occasion. I know the signs, I know I am in danger. So it’s time to do something about it.
One of my New Year Resolutions is to go out more, do new things, explore. I am heading off to the Scottish borders in a couple of days for a few days away. I have research to do. It’s explorative. I’ve managed it on a shoestring, but it still breaks the bank, so February will be leaner. Even so, I know I have to do this. I have to get out and do things. I can’t just stay in – working, worrying and becoming more introverted. I am becoming boring. I have become boring and nothing will change if I stay like this. I loathe that in me, that I have lost that inspiration. My friend circle has shrunk hugely since I gave up my workshop last September. It’s left a huge gap in my daily routine. It wasn’t expected.
Whilst I don’t want that ‘relationship thing’, it would be nice if I had something to offer someone. It is, without doubt, why relationships that only work in the bedroom are my only successes. It doesn’t require anything else. This has to change. My stay at homeness needs modification. I need the real world, regardless of what that involves. My excuses are lame and my enthusiasm wanes the less I do and that makes the excuses even lamer. I can see the vicious circle closing in.
If I am ever going to have anything to offer anyone I have to change things. I’m working on it. I am, I promise. New Year challenges. Next stage.