164: Not Progressing

Never look at the accounts of past dates. I stupidly had a peek at MG’s, and his status is now ‘In A Relationship’.

I don’t know why it bothers me. We wouldn’t have worked. His home life was the wrong set up for me. We lived too far apart. We were both financially stressed. I suppose it’s because he was the closest I’d come to finding someone I could imagine having a future with and because of the way it ended, because I think everything he told me was a lie (despite him always saying what an honest person he was). It irks me.  I guess that’s what they call closure. Or a lack of it. But most, if not all, online dating ends with a lack of closure.

I know I am not the most interesting person in the world. I may run my own business. It sounds glamorous. It really isn’t. I published a book. That sounds a bit ‘JK Rowling’. It really isn’t. But I could be making more of it and I know that. When you get older, you realise you can’t change the world and with that comes a laziness that is a part of that realisation. It’s why I don’t rant about political subjects. You can’t change anything. You can’t make the world a better place.

The fact that I am self employed leaves my personal budget limited, and my social mobility restricted. It means I am not getting out there, meeting people, doing things and that is having an adverse effect. I’ve been here before on more than one occasion. I know the signs, I know I am in danger. So it’s time to do something about it.

One of my New Year Resolutions is to go out more, do new things, explore. I am heading off to the Scottish borders in a couple of days for a few days away. I have research to do. It’s explorative. I’ve managed it on a shoestring, but it still breaks the bank, so February will be leaner. Even so, I know I have to do this. I have to get out and do things. I can’t just stay in – working, worrying and becoming more introverted. I am becoming boring. I have become boring and nothing will change if I stay like this. I loathe that in me, that I have lost that inspiration. My friend circle has shrunk hugely since I gave up my workshop last September. It’s left a huge gap in my daily routine. It wasn’t expected.

Whilst I don’t want that ‘relationship thing’, it would be nice if I had something to offer someone. It is, without doubt, why relationships that only work in the bedroom are my only successes. It doesn’t require anything else. This has to change. My stay at homeness needs modification. I need the real world, regardless of what that involves. My excuses are lame and my enthusiasm wanes the less I do and that makes the excuses even lamer. I can see the vicious circle closing in.

If I am ever going to have anything to offer anyone I have to change things. I’m working on it. I am, I promise.  New Year challenges. Next stage.

4 thoughts on “164: Not Progressing

  1. I hope you have fun in Scotland. Will you blog about it? I liked this bit: “But most, if not all, online dating ends with a lack of closure.” Oh too true! I saw a pic of an ex today – the one my heart followed despite being treated abysmally – and it didn’t hurt to see his smiling face. He still seems to be married. Like you say, it was never going to work, but somehow a lack of closure DOES sting. It’s disrespectful and sometimes all we want is to be respected and ‘seen’ as a human.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A lack of closure, in my opinion, is one of two things – cowardice or doesn’t care. Either way this isn’t the kind of person I want to be with, even though I’m sorry to say these are often my reasons for ghosting (I am far from perfect and I’m certainly not proud of it). In MG’s case I suspect it was cowardice. In Harry’s it’s definitely that he doesn’t care. I shouldn’t complain though. We’re all getting a dose of our own medicine though to be honest, it’s rare that I meet someone that I think deserves respect. Some of these guys are terrible.

    Scotland was great. I need to go back more often. I’ll be blogging about it on a different site possibly but it doesn’t really fit on my dating blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ll drop you a line. Sorry I don’t know what’s going on with notifications. I’ve just been in to clear out all my WordPress spam and I have 37 pending comments! WTF???? I think a lot of them are yours. I’m just working through them now.


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