165: Emotionally Un-Available

When I first split from my last ex (officially) in May 2016, I had already shut down. I couldn’t deal with the situation in the way I wanted until August because I was tied to a house rental with him for that four months. What followed, once I had finally got away entirely, was 18 months of me not needing anyone. I didn’t look for an emotional connection, not sex, not even conversation. I didn’t need it. I am truly not a rebounder.

I wanted to rediscover myself after far too many years bouncing between crappy relationships. I was genuinely free for the first time in a long time, and after that things happened naturally. I did all the things that I hadn’t had the emotional energy for previously because of my past relationships. I had no timescale, no one to explain to.

Then a light came on in me (I blame a very cute actor I had a flirty couple of weeks with who was hiring office space in my building). After that, and after him, online dating began.

Harry turned out to be the last of my online dating attempts towards the end of last year. He was the catalyst. He was a reminder that this is all shit and I really really need to be looking after myself and not letting these tiring little fuck boys and issues guys knock me off course.

I’ve realised I am now back where I was in August 2016. I have lost interest in emotional connection again. It’s a cycle I go through. But the truth is I would rather feel like this, than how I did when I ran into the paths of the likes of Gianluca and Jamie who stretched me to emotional limits I didn’t want, and certainly didn’t need.

Here is uncomplicated. Here I can focus on my art, my writing, my business, my career, my health (both physical and mental). Here I can focus on my meaning of life and for me (for the moment at least) that has far more importance than another relationship. My likes and interests run deep, they are not superflurous. They have the kind of structure and weight to them that can last a lifetime if you understand it. For now they are more valuable than that and I am being faithful to them.

Whatever it is that flicks the off switch, I can’t force it. And I don’t try to analyse it because I know myself well enough. This is all a part of my journey and how things happen. Knowing that I am that dependable to myself, is a plus and something that I think is an asset.

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