227: Letting Fate Lend A Hand

I’ve met with Daniel three times in a four-week gap between my usual meet ups with Leigh. It was strange when I finally met up with Leigh again. He seems so hesitant in his actions, and reluctant in the way he speaks (as he always has been), whereas Daniel goes straight for the throat, so to speak. Leigh isn’t repressed – I don’t think – but he is more awkward and struggles to get comfortable. He is a sweet guy and I feel very comfortable with him which I like, but maybe that’s because he doesn’t push me out of my comfort zone and he is predictable and safe. I don’t really have to try and impress him.

Despite describing himself as socially awkward, Daniel doesn’t mind wearing his heart on his sleeve once he has fallen in with someone. He is passionate in a sexually charged way, and responsive. He says what he likes and will find out from you, what you like too. He is very much governed by his desires, though he is a giver and a taker, and I find that very exciting, and for me, something of a novelty. He draws me out of my shell. He challenges me to say what I think and be honest. He could be the making of me. He is also the classic bad boy I should probably be avoiding. The difference this time around is that, because he is also married, the rules are already made, the boundaries are in place. I know exactly where I stand with this one.

His openness to talking about anything directly and in depth and ask my opinion and questioning the way I do things (for instance he asks me at length why I chose non-monogamy) is refreshing and reassuring. I feel like I know where I stand with him and that he is going to break my boundaries and push my limits. I need someone interesting and Daniel is certainly that.

Leigh is a lamb, but happier not to have to face things. Daniel is definitely the lion and he stands firm, but given the strange number of similarities they share, they almost seem like two sides of the same coin, a Jekyll and Hyde, and that intrigues me.

Since our first meeting, mine and Daniel’s conversation has continued and I don’t seem to have put him off. Even though he is now a real person, I don’t feel that surge of lust. That is a good sign. It’s not that I am not interested in him. I have just learned to take my time, slow down and enjoy the process. There is no rush, because there is no end goal.

We have talked a lot about my approach and I feel as if I am on the cusp of changes in my attitude going forward. I said to Daniel that I have no intention of falling in love, that I don’t want it, that I need a relationship to have its rules and boundaries, so I know where I stand and am able to remain independent of it, both physically and emotionally. I mentioned this because he had discussed the longevity of his relationships. And of course he is married which means emotionally, it can only go so far.

Like Leigh his affairs have always come to an end because his partner wanted more than he could offer, except in one case where it was the other way around, so he is mindful that he could be the one slipping up. He wants to guard against that happening again. But he said that in 20 years he had never had a partner who didn’t want more from him than he could give. I said there was no fear of that with me, and he replied that I may change my opinion as time goes on. That sounds a little self-congratulatory, but we have had very different relationship experiences and I can’t predict what will happen either way.

I never want to be the AP desperate for attention, waiting for every text, yearning for every meeting, for them to promise happy ever after. It’s demeaning, and it rarely ends happily. I haven’t felt like that with Daniel at all. This feels the same as it has been with Leigh, for whom I have never had strong feelings. Let’s be realistic. These men are married. They are not mine and they never will be. And frankly, I don’t really want them.

As a result of all this new attention, I am losing interest in Leigh. It’s not helped that he is very busy with work, and we aren’t meeting regularly. He has other priorities, and so I am letting things run their course and allowing him to call the shots. Daniel’s arrival is not a dead cert, and neither is Leigh’s departure. But I feel like this is all happening for a reason and whatever the outcome is, it will be in my best interest.

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