I heard the above line on the TV the other day.
If more people spoke honestly, what would the world look like? Some would be happier, some would be sadder. More kids would come from broken homes. Fewer children would live in unsettled households. There would be fewer affairs and fewer marriages. More people would go after the one. More would admit when they’d had enough.
The truth is there are lots of ‘happy’ families out there because one person keeps a secret. Take Leigh, whose family is happy because they have no idea what he is up to and how he holds it together, or that he is able to keep things together because he is having an affair with someone who fills in the missing bits of his jigsaw. That doesn’t mean it is right. But it is what it is. It means I remain cynical about relationships and equally understanding of relationship situations.
I think about the end of us, which could be at any time, and I am nonplussed by it, not bored, but not enthusiastic. I am just another coping strategy in his armoury, and he is fundamentally the same for me. Occasionally, it bothers me that he thinks I’m just sitting around waiting for him when he can’t meet me (please, don’t think you’re that important). So it could all end at any time. I’ll be sad, of course, I suppose. Depending on when it happens and why. We get on well. We have a lot in common. But it won’t break my heart, and I’m pretty sure it won’t break his either.
I think about what I will do next. Do I go down the same route again? Do I stay single? Do I find someone who is really single and try to follow the straight and narrow? And then I think of the title of this blog entry. Having a boyfriend – I mean a real boyfriend – is no guarantee of anything. How things are now….well, there’s no bullshit, no games, no ulterior motivations. It’s already out there.
Everywhere I look, people are deceiving each other. Who do you know that has a completely honest and open relationship with anyone? And how do you know they don’t hide a secret? We’re all hiding something to save face, to save other people, to save our own embarrassment, our shame or our sanity. Much of my life has been built on secrets and privacy. Even when I was a child, I was excessively private. Nothing has changed. I’m sure it’s the way I am hardwired, re-enforced by people who betrayed my trust and reminded me that I had followed the right path.
No one knows about my relationship status. Only this blog and whoever reads it, and that is why it exists, because everyone needs someone to open up to. I just can’t do it with other human beings and in this way I have somewhere to vent, to rant, to congratulate, to condemn, to ponder.
Everything feels very settled with Leigh right now. The honeymoon period is over, and I have picked myself up off the floor from the realisation of what I have got myself into – again. Now comes the contentment stage, where I realise I no longer think about him all day, every day, where we can comfortably go most of the day without texting, where a missed connection isn’t such a big deal, where I don’t need him as much as I did in those early days.
And then of course there is Daniel who waits in the shadows and is a whole other force to be reckoned with at the moment. And maybe that is why Leigh isn’t at the forefront any more….