220: Roll Over And The 30 Hours

One of the (many) things Leigh says he likes about me is that I don’t put him under any pressure. This is not a compliment – at least not from my point of view. It suggests I am totally submissive to his situation and I just slot into his life. That’s probably why he thinks I deserve better.

In reality, I am the silent observer. I want an easy life. I don’t like drama, and there’s nothing to fight for here. But don’t think that means I am a roll-over. I know what I am doing. I am aware of what goes on around me. I take note of everything. I am far more likely to sulk and swear at inanimate objects in the privacy of my own home than display my displeasure, and I don’t want to waste my energy on it for any great length of time.

I mean, there’s no point is there? If he can’t meet me, he can’t meet me. If plans are changed because of work or his wife or something has happened with one of his children, there’s nothing he can do about that, and no amount of sulking or angry texts from me is going to change that. Fact: I knew what I was getting into before I signed up and if you don’t – don’t do it. You are not the priority.

Such behaviour is also, in my mind, a very unattractive feature in a human being. I am too laid back to want to put out that much for something that deserves so little investment. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Besides, if I stay nice it’s going to make it that much more difficult for him when it comes to ending it. He might think twice before doing it again.

But of course it is a quality that a married man likes, though I suppose rarely gets, in an affair partner. Sadly, I possess it in great quantities. Of course, it also means I don’t have to put up with them in large doses. And it’s one of the reasons I give Leigh so much slack, that he just wants a quiet, happy life like me without hassle or stress. He doesn’t cause me any problems. We are alike in many ways. He doesn’t complain to me or bitch about his situation, and if those conversations do arise I am balanced enough to give him my honest advice when I think it is due and then we move on. I like that, because I only see him once a week, I don’t have to put up with any personality traits that would irritate me (and I know he has some).

I had a taste of a slightly longer time with him recently when we booked one night away out of town and spent about 30 hours together. It was quite strange as so far all our meets have been at my house. To see each other in normal social settings was certainly different. We went to dinner, breakfast, to a pub and had a few drinks. Sitting outside by the river with our first outdoor pints of the year we chatted about all sorts of things and of course the inevitable situation and it was a great way to spend a sunny Wednesday evening.

I got a little more insight into the circumstances of his situation. The timeline became clearer. For the first time he started addressing his wife by her first name. Unprompted. Perhaps he hadn’t realised. It mattered not either way. I already knew who she was. Doing your due diligence before you embark on any relationship, is about finding out everything you can, and knowing these basic bits of information is, in my opinion, essential. I let the conversation roll. He also mentioned how they regularly dip into conversation together about the state of their relationship, or at least, the lack of sex life, which has been the norm for them for a very long time (he is keen to stress). I think it’s great they are comfortable enough with each other to be able to regularly revisit the subject and are both fully aware of it even though neither of them seems to want to do anything about it, which of course is entirely their choice, though I feel it is why Leigh is where he is now. Who knows, maybe she has someone on the side too.

We had a very enjoyable couple of days, but I wouldn’t say it deepened the relationship any more or made me see him any differently. It just threw in some context. I know how he sleeps now. What he’s like out and about. There were no surprises. It was a nice escapism. We hadn’t consumed alcohol together before. We’re both lightweights, so we loosened up pretty quickly, though no one got drunk. We stayed in a hotel room. We window shopped, people watched and put the world to rights without having to clock watch. Would I do it again? Yes. Does it make me want to be with him all the time? Definitely not.

I have wanted for quite a while, to wake up in the morning to feel his arms around me. And that’s more because I would like to feel SOMEONE’s arms around me when I wake up. Not permanently, but occasionally. I like my own bed space, so I wasn’t sad to get back home again to my own duvet, but it’s been quite rare in all my six years of dating for someone to stay over. Occasionally waking up next to someone else is a comfort, a luxury, and it also reminds me why I like to be single. I couldn’t do it all the time.

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