Well here’s a juxtaposition. Leigh thinks I deserve better than him. It’s a stupid comment he has thrown in several times whilst simultaneously still ‘dating’ me. If he thinks that, he should do the honourable thing and dump me. Why are you still here Leigh if that’s the case? He says it’s not a constant worry. I have my get out clause, that if I find someone better/want something more, I am free to go my own way. I, of course, remind him that it was me who swiped right on him in the first place.
I feel a push and pull between this situation, but it suits my comfort zone. That notion that I ‘deserve better’ doesn’t sit well right now. Others would tell me to sort myself out. But what if this is me sorting myself out? Remember those stepping stones I was talking about – those baby steps to putting things back together again? I feel safer, more in control and able to balance my life like this. I have no hate, no anger towards anyone. I am not on a revenge mission and I feel more comfortable with Leigh than I have with most of my other partners throughout my dating life. He is funny, non-confrontational, positive, gentle.
I see all relationships as being finite, and I don’t think that humans are meant to be monogamous for life. Knowing there will be an end and that this tallies with how I feel about relationships generally, settles things in my mind. And what would better be anyway? Picking that one person for more only to discover I made another poor choice? Constantly worried what might be going on behind my back? Or never finding anyone who perfectly fits my tick boxes? At least with Leigh I know what is going on. With a free agent, I have no idea. I will end up in a constant cycle of worry and I refuse to be dragged down to that level again.
It’s a business like arrangement which works for me and reminds me that he knows, as well as I do, what the final outcome is going to be. His reminders of the get out clause means I also still feel like a free agent which, weirdly, makes me feel more secure in what I have with him. Letting him down (unless he bottles first) is inevitable at some point but that will be no one’s fault. I will never be ‘stuck with him’, in the same way he will never be ‘stuck’ with me. If someone comes along who I think offers me more, or better or a more secure situation I can take my chances. Two feet on the ground, right?
All that said, I do trust Leigh for all the reasons we discussed when we sealed the deal. I don’t worry where he is or what he is doing – which is something I have rarely experienced in monogamous relationships. My gut instinct is usually spot on, even if I am apt to ignore it. I am not a jealous person, but I am a suspicious person and that’s a very difficult trait to shake off, so I do still pick partners based on whether they are likely to trigger that. Leigh does not.
I know that I am in this relationship because of my past experiences. I know that I chose this path for a reason. I own this and whatever the outcome is, whether I am responsible for it or not, I can take it all on the chin. As Leigh once said ‘we are both grown adults who know what we’re doing’.