211: He Thinks You Deserve Better

Well here’s a juxtaposition. Leigh thinks I deserve better than him. It’s a stupid comment he has thrown in several times whilst simultaneously still ‘dating’ me. If he thinks that, he should do the honourable thing and dump me. Why are you still here Leigh if that’s the case? He says it’s not a constant worry. I have my get out clause, that if I find someone better/want something more, I am free to go my own way. I, of course, remind him that it was me who swiped right on him in the first place.

I feel a push and pull between this situation, but it suits my comfort zone. That notion that I ‘deserve better’ doesn’t sit well right now. Others would tell me to sort myself out. But what if this is me sorting myself out? Remember those stepping stones I was talking about – those baby steps to putting things back together again? I feel safer, more in control and able to balance my life like this. I have no hate, no anger towards anyone. I am not on a revenge mission and I feel more comfortable with Leigh than I have with most of my other partners throughout my dating life. He is funny, non-confrontational, positive, gentle.

I see all relationships as being finite, and I don’t think that humans are meant to be monogamous for life. Knowing there will be an end and that this tallies with how I feel about relationships generally, settles things in my mind. And what would better be anyway? Picking that one person for more only to discover I made another poor choice? Constantly worried what might be going on behind my back? Or never finding anyone who perfectly fits my tick boxes? At least with Leigh I know what is going on. With a free agent, I have no idea. I will end up in a constant cycle of worry and I refuse to be dragged down to that level again.

It’s a business like arrangement which works for me and reminds me that he knows, as well as I do, what the final outcome is going to be. His reminders of the get out clause means I also still feel like a free agent which, weirdly, makes me feel more secure in what I have with him. Letting him down (unless he bottles first) is inevitable at some point but that will be no one’s fault. I will never be ‘stuck with him’, in the same way he will never be ‘stuck’ with me. If someone comes along who I think offers me more, or better or a more secure situation I can take my chances. Two feet on the ground, right?

All that said, I do trust Leigh for all the reasons we discussed when we sealed the deal. I don’t worry where he is or what he is doing – which is something I have rarely experienced in monogamous relationships. My gut instinct is usually spot on, even if I am apt to ignore it. I am not a jealous person, but I am a suspicious person and that’s a very difficult trait to shake off, so I do still pick partners based on whether they are likely to trigger that. Leigh does not.

I know that I am in this relationship because of my past experiences. I know that I chose this path for a reason. I own this and whatever the outcome is, whether I am responsible for it or not, I can take it all on the chin. As Leigh once said ‘we are both grown adults who know what we’re doing’.

8 thoughts on “211: He Thinks You Deserve Better

  1. “Leigh thinks I deserve better than him. Itโ€™s a stupid comment he has thrown in several times whilst simultaneously still โ€˜datingโ€™ me.”

    Definitely a throw away comment that has far more to do with him than you. Often what people say to others is a sanitized projection of what they are saying to themselves.

    Excellent post. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks. ๐Ÿ™‚ I need to pick it apart more, try and work out what it really means. Maybe that’ll come out as I get to know him better. Any interpretations gratefully accepted. You are more aligned to his side than mine so your perspective is probably far more valuable than mine.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oooo! Someone WANTS my interpretations! ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฅณ ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Imo, it simply means he doesn’t believe he is worthy of the effort and acceptance you show him. He knows there will be consequences for everyone and he is giving you an out.

    After all despite all the reasons I made the choices I made there is always a voice in the back of my heart that knew it was not sustainable.

    I know why I cheated on Beatrix (ex-wife). I know why I cheated on Painter.

    I just didn’t know how to get to Point C from Point A and so used the skill set I did have: I set fire to the path.

    I really loved my life and that beautiful and passionate woman. I just didn’t love myself enough to let her love me.

    I didn’t love myself enough to let that vindictive and insecure woman go when it was time.

    It’s a practice.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your interpretations are ALWAYS welcome! Of course, hindsight is a beautiful thing, and it’s easier to pick apart a timeline after the events, much more difficult when you are caught up in the middle of the mess. Leigh remains with his wife purely because he is too scared of the consequences of leaving. He’s afraid of the impact it will have on her and the kids. And of course there are all the other complications that come from separation. They are safe, comfortable, and they don’t hate each other. Given that they agreed a long time ago to give up on their sex life and agreed to stay together for pretence’s sake, it’s a shame they never had the next level conversation about how things would work going forward 10, 15 or 20 years later thus assuming that neither of them would ever want to be with someone again. I guess at the time, it seemed inconceivable. I am not Leigh’s first, so he KNOWS how this is going to end. He’s always ended the relationships and maybe that’s part of the problem, that he knows he’s going to be the bad guy. Who knows. He won’t hurt me. I won’t allow it. But who knows, maybe his wife is doing exactly the same thing. Wouldn’t that be ironic!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. We all betray someone. Betrayal just presents different for different people. I’m sure she is acting out in some way, somewhere.

    Things really began to shift for me when I realized in order to live the life I want requires accepting there are people that imagine stories and in their stories they need to imagine me to be the bad guy.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hello! I find this post particularly interesting. I was involved with a married man. Someone I actually went to college with and got involved with 28 years later after he contacted me. I originally resisted involvement because he was married and because I considered him a friend. He was very persistent and clearly I succumbed. We were involved for 9 months. He would say things here and there like, “You deserve better than me”, “I can’t give you what you want/deserve”, “I feel guilty like I am keeping you from something”. At one point I said, “aren’t I the one who decides what I want/deserve?” I wondered why he would say those things. Was it a way of trying to get out of the relationship? Or was he worried I was going to find someone else? I never did get to the bottom of it. I like the purpose of your blog. I have my own and would love your contribution. https://notjusttheotherwoman.com/

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Many thanks for your post and the link to your blog. I’ll take a look. ๐Ÿ™‚ Yep, I don’t know if this will keep coming up. I brush it off and downplay his reaction as overthinking, which we both do and it seems to settle him. I remind him I swiped right on him first and that I am a grown adult and I know what I’m doing. But what the motivations are for his comments I’m not entirely sure. I don’t THINK he’s trying to get rid of me. It’s early days. I know I am the first single woman he has had an affair with, so it may be that because the others were in a similar situation to him, it felt more like an even playing field. Who knows. We’ll see if it comes up again. But it reminds me not to get too close to him, because he could jump ship at any time and that’s entirely his decision.

    Like

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