208: Controversial Opinion: The Unfaithful Need A Voice

It is very difficult to find the honest opinions of a man who is having an affair. Whilst there are plenty of blogs out there by wronged partners, and particularly betrayed wives, it is not easy to find the writings of the male cheater.

The Loveshack Forum is the closest I can find to something transparent but the Fetlife website also has some very frank discussion that is both enlightening and often heartbreaking to read. On Loveshack there are lots of threads by women who are the affair partner. The comments can get heated, but I never see the same anger that I have seen directed at men elsewhere. And whilst we have the opinion of female affair partners, I don’t see many men getting their own point of view across. Most of them within the female narrative are made to sound like complete assholes. Many of them probably are, but without their voices, how can we really know?

Leigh has always said that I can ask him anything about his situation, and he always answers when I do want to pry. It doesn’t often happen since a lot of the explanation came at the beginning, but occasionally a comment from him will prompt a question from me. I put a very strict rule in place when I started seeing Leigh that I wouldn’t let things fester, that if I needed to say something to him, I would. Leigh’s home life is not a no-go subject in day to day conversation where it is relevant, so I have some semblance of what it is like for him and I don’t fear his response if I say something. There is no anger on his part. As he says ‘it is what it is’.

On a more general level, to me, it seems a shame that men and women who are the unfaithful partner, can’t be honest about their side of the story. I am interested in what they as people have to say. Whilst it is something I can talk to Leigh about, I appreciate his situation isn’t the same as many. Different angles on it are interesting, and I would be happy to read the personal writings of someone cloaked in anonymity who was able to speak honestly and freely about why they have chosen the route they have. So if there is anyone out there, do message me or maybe consider your own blog.

From what I have seen in the past, cheating men (in particular) get shouted down in their blog comments by angry women who don’t believe he should have a voice. Often they shut down their blogs or close off the comments thus stifling any useful conversation. But he does have a voice, and it should be heard. I am fascinated by the human condition and that works across all types of people and across all types of situations, no matter how right or wrong people think they are and no matter what standpoint you take as a casual observer.

How can you learn if you cannot understand? Whatever you may think of someone and their choices, you know very little about their past life and what brought them to the point they are now at. Casting judgement when you don’t have the whole story, is very erroneous indeed and serves no one.

12 thoughts on “208: Controversial Opinion: The Unfaithful Need A Voice

  1. This is so interesting. I’ve been the unfaithful as well as the wronged (in different relationships) I know why I’ve crossed that line, but never really knew why it happened in reverse (aside from Karma)

    I’m going to send this link across to a few male friends who I know to explore outside of their marriages and try to find out their thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I found it incredibly interesting. I have been reading some of the forums on Fetlife in recent days and some of the honest conversation going on there between men in lonely marriages (those who have strayed as well as those who have chosen to stick it out) really has been very insightful. I think compassion in general is the only way to open up conversations and allow people to have a voice. Demonising anyone just drives things underground. I’m glad you have found it useful.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I totally agree. The last thing we need is more division. We all need others to show us kindness at some point when we make “bad” decisions. I hadn’t considered cancel culture in regards to this topic. I shall let you know if I get any feedback re your post.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Of course, and you’re right. But that’s what people do, especially when they don’t like what they are hearing, or don’t agree. Open discussion when you don’t agree with what you are hearing is a hard thing. As the example here, giving a voice to people who cheat, is simply wrong according to people who have been cheated on. Not in all cases but in a lot of what I have seen online. And honestly it never helps anyone.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I agree it’s a fascinating topic and I’ve explored it in the past, via immersing myself in writing that argues against monogamy, as we both know. Esther Perel is of course the ultimate expert on this topic, and is also compassionate and empathetic to boot.

    From relationships I’ve had with married men (several, but 2 over a longer period up to 3 years, and 1 emotionally attached), I know it’s been about emotional and sexual release, freedom and a lost autonomy, a desire for ‘new’ excitement and purely sexual exploration, a sadness or resentfulness about previous lack of experience or ‘playing the field’ in youth, a need for emotional intimacy that is not being met in the partnership, a desire to explore new kinks or fetishes, a desire for ego-boosting and energising interactions that are separate from the rest of their lives (‘something just for me’). All of these reasons, many overlapping, are why men (indeed, anyone) ‘cheats’. But in saying that, the word ‘cheat’ is loaded and unfair. Hold back on the judging people. It’s immature and unkind.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This sums it up beautifully. Thank you so much. It’s interesting how people who have been there, experienced it and observed it are more open and those who have no experience or have been on the wrong end of an affair refuse to examine it, shut down and condemn it This shuts down lines of communication and doesn’t help resolve situations if they have been the wronged partner. If you can’t have empathy in this situation you can’t learn from it, understand it or try to heal from it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I suspect that people who feel harmed by this behaviour are mainly interested in venting and feeling vindicated or revenged. Not saying it’s their fault, but that’s not a position to learn and grow from. Hard all round, which is why I point to monogamy and the myths about romance as creating way more problems than we as a society need around coupling.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You should come over to Medium and check out my publication – The Scarlett Letter, you can find the stories you’re looking for. And for $5 USD a month you could write and make money too – I get nothing telling you that, I’m not an affiliate😂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I agree. My blog is about our story and how we recovered but I have also put the unfaithful’s point across from our perspective. I can speak from experience that initially the BS emotions are at such a high they find it difficult to consider the other side. But I do believe that should only be initially, rough timeline up to 18 months to 2 years. By then, as a person you need to be able to learn and evolve from your experience. As someone else commented people believe in the fairytale and they don’t exist. ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

  10. It’s (perhaps) a sad moment when you realise the fairytale doesn’t exist. I’ve been the BS as well as the other woman. Seeing it from both sides is a really good skill going forward. I think it helps manage feelings of anger, betrayal and jealousy which don’t serve anyone long term or enable anyone to move on, grow or fix a relationship. 🙂

    Like

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