It is very difficult to find the honest opinions of a man who is having an affair. Whilst there are plenty of blogs out there by wronged partners, and particularly betrayed wives, it is not easy to find the writings of the male cheater.
The Loveshack Forum is the closest I can find to something transparent but the Fetlife website also has some very frank discussion that is both enlightening and often heartbreaking to read. On Loveshack there are lots of threads by women who are the affair partner. The comments can get heated, but I never see the same anger that I have seen directed at men elsewhere. And whilst we have the opinion of female affair partners, I don’t see many men getting their own point of view across. Most of them within the female narrative are made to sound like complete assholes. Many of them probably are, but without their voices, how can we really know?
Leigh has always said that I can ask him anything about his situation, and he always answers when I do want to pry. It doesn’t often happen since a lot of the explanation came at the beginning, but occasionally a comment from him will prompt a question from me. I put a very strict rule in place when I started seeing Leigh that I wouldn’t let things fester, that if I needed to say something to him, I would. Leigh’s home life is not a no-go subject in day to day conversation where it is relevant, so I have some semblance of what it is like for him and I don’t fear his response if I say something. There is no anger on his part. As he says ‘it is what it is’.
On a more general level, to me, it seems a shame that men and women who are the unfaithful partner, can’t be honest about their side of the story. I am interested in what they as people have to say. Whilst it is something I can talk to Leigh about, I appreciate his situation isn’t the same as many. Different angles on it are interesting, and I would be happy to read the personal writings of someone cloaked in anonymity who was able to speak honestly and freely about why they have chosen the route they have. So if there is anyone out there, do message me or maybe consider your own blog.
From what I have seen in the past, cheating men (in particular) get shouted down in their blog comments by angry women who don’t believe he should have a voice. Often they shut down their blogs or close off the comments thus stifling any useful conversation. But he does have a voice, and it should be heard. I am fascinated by the human condition and that works across all types of people and across all types of situations, no matter how right or wrong people think they are and no matter what standpoint you take as a casual observer.
How can you learn if you cannot understand? Whatever you may think of someone and their choices, you know very little about their past life and what brought them to the point they are now at. Casting judgement when you don’t have the whole story, is very erroneous indeed and serves no one.