I watched a film the other night which included a line in which a guy was chatting to a girl and he asked the question of the boyfriend she had doubts over ‘does he feel like home to you?’ In that moment I shed a few tears (don’t worry, it only lasted a second!) because Leigh does feel like home to me. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t love him. But there is a warm familiarity with him that is quite rare in my world. I suppose it’s that click moment.
That said, it is perhaps more than symbolic because I have moved around a lot. In the last 12 years I have never had the chance to settle and call anywhere home and nowhere has ever felt like a forever place, because moving again always felt inevitable. Over time, I have found it easier and easier to pick up my life and move on to new places and start again. Circumstances with partners started it, and it’s just become a way of life.
At that moment, watching that film and writing this blog entry I have realised I have adopted, more firmly than I realised, the same mindset (call it a survival instinct) in my relationships. Nothing ever feels like forever and it pays to be aware of that. So whilst Leigh does feel like home right now, I also know it is inevitable that there will be another move. How could there not be? Even that concept is comforting to me. I already know the end of the story.
Being comfortable in my single life and knowing that if someone leaves it, things carry on as before (give or take a little heartache), I don’t fear the change. It is my strength. I can go on without and nothing else changes. So you know how this is going to end between myself and Leigh, right? I mean, I knew that from the start anyway. We laid the rules on the very first day. But also, you can’t help who you are attracted to. Well I can’t that’s for sure. Yes I have to own my decisions and I really do. But lust is a powerful emotion in my world, reciprocated or not. Sure, you can often control your reaction to an individual, but not always and that depends a lot on how they react to you and how you decide to proceed. I would never pursue someone who wasn’t interested. But reciprocation is a tough one for me because usually the ones who reciprocate are the ones I will ultimately end up with.
Of course, this moment with the film happened the night before Leigh was due a visit – his fourth. I was pumped, ready for his appearance and in need of his touch and his strength and all other intimacies that come with the pleasure of a new and novel relationship with a hot-blooded man who simply can’t get enough of you. It is a very seductive feeling.
In the days between visits my memories of him become hazy. Each visit reminds me that whilst he is still the same guy I agreed to, he is just a man. He is him, with his faults and imperfections. He doesn’t deserve to be put up on a pedestal and he certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable with that notion. It serves to remind me that whatever image I build up of him in those days, when he is at last there in front of me again, I know I do not love him. That is always a relief because that means I am still in control of this situation and that makes it as perfect as it can be for now.