198: Breaking

I spent a month with my family over Christmas and New Year. It left me at breaking point on occasions. Mentally exhausted at times. I cannot spread myself thinly enough between all the people who need a piece of me right now (and that includes the ones who are only online). I cannot come up for air. I’m a pretty chilled person, but everyone has their limit.

The pandemic has a lot to do with it – creating circumstances for other people that have pulled me in. Things that would never have existed. I tripped along quite well throughout 2020 but this extended stay was a bit too much. Being home again has levelled the playing field.

I wonder whether I am ready to welcome another human being into my life if I can’t survive four weeks with my own parents? I think, maybe I fear, this is a state in which I will always remain. But it has a lot to do with the person. And whilst family is family we don’t always align. Our routines and our motivations are different. They are of course a different generation. I am their child.

I realise I have crafted a life for myself that gives me the breathing space in between assaults and is largely self-sufficient and possibly selfish too. Adding another person pulls on that energy. Can I do it as much as I love the idea of having someone here? That said I always seem ready to throw out my rule book if someone piques my interest and I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. And I suppose if that were the case, the routine would change slowly over time. You adjust to the change of pace. And of course it’s about finding the right person who fits your personality type and doesn’t overwhelm you and with whom you align on all these things.

I have become so used to dealing with life’s challenges myself that I cannot ask for help. I don’t know how to express it nor allow for that trust. Compliments are hard to take. That seems like a bad start to any relationship mindset but finding someone on that same journey could be cathartic. For now, it still feels easier to give up than do something about it. So I choose to give up at least for now. 

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