196: What I Really Really Want

My old dating style suited me well. It’s no surprise. I have trust issues thanks to having been messed around more than once and I am quite happy with my own company. Actively dating non monogamously took all of that out of the equation, no matter what I felt for the guy. And, I suppose, this reinforced my belief that men cannot be trusted – which is a hideous generalization.

It took the pressure off me. I couldn’t distrust someone I hadn’t asked to commit to me and by doing the same, it meant I couldn’t ask that of them. So in that respect it worked really well. I stopped wondering where he was, who he was with. What he thought. It didn’t matter, I had no say. And it was a learning curve. Long term I think it was actually good for me. I had a brain reset and going forward I hope to be a more trusting person or at least learn to stop worrying about the things I cannot change. Enjoying my independence and being very happy in that also means I have fail safe if things go wrong. I don’t have to worry. Whatever he does to me, I will always win because I am strong alone.

That said, it all got a bit boring after a while. If you can’t even get a guy to commit to a non-committed relationship, there really is no point. Getting ghosted after you’ve offered them everything on a plate seems ridiculous. And it gets tired because you end up only ever meeting for sex and, truthfully, sex isn’t top of my list. I’d trade it for companionship, something in common and someone to hang out with, any day.

I don’t need a man to have an orgasm. Right?

So I’m done with that and I’ve been with it for a while.

I’ve started to make a mental list of the things I really want from a relationship but honestly, I don’t have it all pinned down yet. There’s no point in dating someone you are not aligned with in your interests, morals, goals etc. If you make concessions, before you know it you have nothing in common and it’s all take and no give.

I’m taking a lot of tips from other people’s profiles on how to try and communicate all this. I’ve realised that my own profile might not be that accurate. I am constantly revising and tweaking my profiles in the hope of saying what I really want to say, and attracting someone who gets it. So far, I am still only getting likes on photos. I don’t think anyone is reading the words and that’s the bit I want them to see.

I think I am looking for someone pretty special if I am going to make changes to my current lifestyle. So far, only one profiile has jumped out and told me they are worth matching with but he hasn’t matched me back. I want an enhancement to my life, not a replacement for the things I already have in it. I am happy to be flexible, but I value my independence and my personal space and the way I do things. I am very capable of being sociable, and I will bend my schedule to fit the right person and the right experiences. But I am reluctant to give any of that up hastily because of how things have ended before – with me making all the sacrifices.

I can now tell when I am over giving to the detriment of my own happiness and I don’t feel like doing that again. 28 years of being flexible and pandering to other people’s wants, has left me feeling…well….more selfish. Like you would. I have to stop only doing what other people want and ask for some things for myself. I am just too nice for my own good – too nice by half. My last date with Harry shows that I can walk away when it becomes too much, but really it shouldn’t have got to that stage in the first place.

So here I am now. Stepping back, stepping forward, making changes and working out what I really need in my life. Hoping that when the right man appears I will recognise him or at least his intentions.

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