188: I Wouldn’t Be Here If I Didn’t Have Hope (?)

There’s something about November. I don’t know what it is but it’s always at this time of year I start to think about dating apps. Maybe it’s because it was October 2017 when I first started with these shenanigans. Maybe I’m suffering post lockdown and I’ve had too much solitary confinement. Perhaps it’s because winter is just pants and I’m stuck indoors and I I need to make a plan for 2021 beyond ‘THIS’.

But maybe – just maybe – it’s because I still think there is a glimmer of hope for me. Most of the time I don’t think I can do a relationship. But other times I worry I’m just not trying enough. So I’ve rebooted my online dating profiles. August 2019 was the last time I met with anyone and I shut down the apps. It’s been a good break.

Has anything changed? I can’t imagine lockdown has improved the vista dramatically. Within 24 hours I’d had loads of likes from probably every over 40, overweight, balding, single (and not so single) in the North of the country. Even so, I got that warm fuzzy feeling of familiarity about the whole process. It’s an addictive habit.

I suppose that within my age group (I’m opting for 40-53 where I sit somewhere in the middle) the pickings are going to be pretty thin. On Badoo, many are post marriage, post kids ( I have no problems with guys who are divorced and have kids btw) but so many of them have let themselves go. It’s easy to get comfortable and stop making an effort 10 years down the line. You assume things are forever. But honestly, every other guy looks like a serial killer or like they sleep on the streets.

I think I look reasonably good for my age. I scrub up nice when it’s worth the effort. But dang, some of these guys are punching high. I just hope it’s not me who has the warped sense of what I look like. I’m not shallow. Everyone should want to take care of themselves. It’s about self respect. I’m no Kate Winslet but I try.

I am not looking for someone who wants to spend Friday and Saturday nights downing pints and crawling home on his hands and knees and whose idea of a day out is window shopping at the nearest Wilko. I want to be inspired by soeome who is curious about life brain and has a job they love. These things don’t end at 40!

That said, so far my personal experience of good-looking guys over 40 on dating apps is that they are trouble. The difference for me this time around (which I hope will change all that) is that I am not looking for a casual set up. It’s been 18 months since I put an end to that. I’m done with it. I saw what the other side had to offer. I am starting to think long term if I can shake the distrust from my mind. I need 2021 to be better but I’m in no rush. At the very least, this blog might now have some material worthy of its original intention.

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2 thoughts on “188: I Wouldn’t Be Here If I Didn’t Have Hope (?)

  1. So lovely to read you again! I still think there’s hope for you. You are most definitely a beauty so you sell yourself short here! I am still going strong in my relationship almost 2.5 years later. We don’t live together but we cohabit for around 50% of the time. I like my space and this suits me fine. We are very happy and he is most definitely the most significant relationship of my life, despite being married for 20+ years! I’m just catching up on your posts now 🙂

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  2. I think this is the direction I am going in. 50% shared cohabitation seems like a good balance. The thought of giving up my independence horrifies me and, now I can do it alone, I want to stay there. Finding someone who shares that mindset for whatever reason is an absolute must. I don’t always communicate clearly what I want, but I now have some hard limits on what I expect from a relationship and I know that I can’t deviate from that. I’ve discovered a huge amount about myself in my 4+ years of singledom which I think is going to make me better at dating going forward. I am such a different person to the one who was dependent on others and I like the change.

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