I was always struck by how, even when I was looking for a casual no strings relationship through online dating, I still managed to come across endless timewasters, ghosters and no shows.
I mean, if you can’t even guarantee to find a commitment free relationship when you put all your cards on the table from the outset, what hope is there for the relationship seekers out there?
Sadly my cynicism has not wavered in the past four years and two months (jeez has it been that long already?) and I still feel like singledom is the perfect solution to all my problems. I occasionally miss a cuddle but that’s about it and that says a lot more about what I really want in life vs what I ended up with which was 20 yrs of disappointment, betrayal and anxiety. And all this despite most of my friends and family around me being in good (?) solid relationships – but of course nothing is ever perfect.
It’s cute I suppose, but not for me. I could never get rid of that nagging doubt in the back of my mind that something was off. It’s like I’ve always said, I’m just not cut out for the relationship ‘thing’. I lack the ability to trust someone enough to switch off (bitten too many times) and I don’t ever again want to be turned into that crazy person who tracks their partners every move and looks for the hint of betrayal in the slightest thing they do.
Bad partners turned me into the worst version of myself and I refuse to be dragged back down to that pitiful level again. I am better than that. I have more pride than that. Non-monogamous dating took away the fear of being cheated on, but even then it lacked the basic honesty of just turning up.