176: If I Wanted To See You, I’d Have Messaged You

It’s been nine months and a bunch of days since I last entertained someone in my flat and in my bed. That was Andre. I did that ghosting thing again because I just get soooooo bored. Even the routine of an occasional meet up can be excruciating and the fact is, none of these relationships were ever designed to go anywhere. That’s the point of them.

Ironically, he was also the first person I saw when I started the whole non-mongamous dating thing so ‘go Andre’ for staying the course. I guess he just sort of hung around the longest. Noone else wanted him, and he used to bring food, so that might have had something to do with it.

The truth is, this was just a phase and it’s typical of my personality that I’ll go mad for something and then drop it just as quickly as I started it. I don’t doubt I’ll give it another go at some point but for now I am very happy keeping dating apps off my phone. Life is less complicated this way.

Right now, I am firmly wedged in ‘single introvert mode’, as if the long silence on this blog hadn’t already made that clear. The thought of having to share my time and my energy with yet another disappointment seems like such an effort. Let’s just say I have found more satisfying ways to get off and I don’t have to make small talk afterwards.

I got bored with only being messaged when someone was in the mood to stick his dick somewhere and could fit me into his busy schedule between work, kids…the wife….the ex….weekends away with mates, early nights in. Other priorities. It’s supposed to work both ways, but it rarely does because I’m just not that demanding and that’s why these things just don’t last. It’s a clear demonstration that I am not meant for relationships.

It’s hard to explain. I suppose this helps. I’m not made for relationships. I know this. I’ve known for a while and embraced singledom in all its forms with great enthusiasm these past few years. It’s been a slow process to total singledom. I have always found it too easy to shut off from people and just stop talking. It gets easier the older I get. Again, that’s my type, not me. This will explain that whole other thing. I have a massive anxiety issue with confrontation so the mobile phone was the perfect invention for me. I’ve been slowly downgrading from the dating scene since 2016 and, for now at least, I have reached the pinnacle of that downgrade.

It’s been punctuated by an ex posting me occasional messages in recent weeks after quite a long time and after me making it clear I didn’t want anything to do with him. I haven’t had contact with him in about 18 months, and that really annoys me. I wouldn’t contact someone randomly out of the blue like that, so why would they do that to me?

It’s easier to ignore him when I remember how I was treated.

And those thoughts will never leave me.

Happy ever after endings are bollocks. I’ve been away from here for ages. Not only do I see that those writing dating blogs are still single and still looking. But some have disappeared entirely, for what reason I don’t know. Maybe lockdown has stalled efforts. Maybe lockdown has added some clarity to people’s lives.

Maybe this is my happy ever after. I’ve learned a lot over the last few years, that’s for sure. That said, I potentially have a whole bunch of years left on this earth. Whilst I am happy to say that I am not dating and I don’t want to date and I am planning for a life on my own, the truth is I have no idea what is around the next corner. Another massive balls up probably if it ever catches up with me. I hope it doesn’t. Unless they are a millionaire, and then at least that’s one less worry on my mind.

3 thoughts on “176: If I Wanted To See You, I’d Have Messaged You

  1. I’ve missed you. I’m still here but I’m not writing on my blog much, obviously because I am not dating. My beloved and I are still strong. We were supposed to be going to America this year (after planning it for last year) but obviously that’s off the cards. We have postponed for a year. We have had one holiday together, with another planned in a few months. We are solid, though we’ve had two ‘disagreements’ (I hesitate to call them fights). I still believe he is the best relationship of my life, and that’s kinda funny since I was married to the father of my boys for more than two decades. Life is strange. As long as you’re content, busy and feeling satisfied with our life, whether there is a man in it with you is irrelevant. Stay well πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You should be able to have arguments in relationships and still bounce back together so that sounds pretty good. πŸ˜‰ I’m not very good at conflict though which is just one of many reasons I think single works good for me still. I’m still waiting for the moment my body suddenly decides it wants relationships again but it still isn’t happening. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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