A slow realisation has dawned on me over the last few weeks. And I haven’t worked out yet, how to interpret it. I have realised I no longer know what I want. I wonder if I have lost my sense of purpose in the world, my sense of pleasure, or may be it’s just that I am content with the way things are for now and I just don’t need anything.
I don’t want to date. And when I think about what I would want in a partner I can’t think of anything, either physically or intellectually that would attract me to someone. Over the last 16 months I’ve dated a whole range of guys. I’ve often deliberately dated men who I wouldn’t normally be attracted to (and still wasn’t). I sometimes went for idealisms and lifestyle choices over looks. Maybe someone with my life ethos was what I needed? My type, traditionally, always spelled trouble or disappointment. I thought dating outside my type would reveal a better type of person. I was wrong. And now, I don’t think I want any of it at all.
I don’t know what type of friends I want. Maybe I don’t need them. Maybe the kinds of guys I was dating were the sorts of people I needed as friends. You need people with similar interests and ideals. They’re not easy to find.
I know that I want to do more things for me, but so far they don’t seem to include anyone else. I’ve decided not to engineer anything. Not to push myself into going out, or finding groups to join, or using dating sites. If someone comes along who is going to make a difference to my life, we’ll find each other no matter what. Because I do believe in fate. So I’m just going to trip along for now. I quite like things the way they are. I may be alone a lot of the time, but mostly I’m okay with that because I’d rather have noone than fake friends or anonymous hookups. If it doesn’t add something fulfilling to my life, what’s the point in it being there?