161: Maybe I Am An Island And Maybe That’s Okay

Getting away from home for a couple of weeks and being with other people 24 hours a day for the whole 14 days (deep breaths!) seems to have given me a fresh perspective on things. I am not a fan of making NY Resolutions. There’s no time like the present. But I do feel like this is a genuinely fresh start and I started writing a list towards the end of Christmas.

I have completely turned my back on dating for now. I am enjoying not having to deal with those soulless and disappointing interactions. No man is an island but right now, I like being an island. I am focusing on me for a change. I am independent. I am working out where things have been going wrong over the last few months, and making changes that I hope will set me up for a good year. 2019 is all about self care and I have to make sure I don’t slip back into last year’s habits.

I am sure that online dating has been contributing towards that feeling of isolation that completely took me over in the last few months of last year. Constant rejection, messages from people who just want to fuck you no strings, and the fizzling out of any prospectives, makes you feel like shit and permanently rejected. But it’s a slow drip of events and you probably won’t notice just how strong the effect is from it.

To counteract the chronic loneliness of working from home, which has undoubtedly contributed to how online dating made me feel, I have put together some resolutions whcih are based firmly around how I manage me. I have new rules to read books. I am moving my daily routine around so that instead of trying to follow a 9-5, which doesn’t actually work for me, I am doing what suits my bodyclock better.

I have made a vow to have one thing nice to look forward to every month – two a month if I can stretch to the budget. On New Years Eve I booked my first thing, thanks to a nice discount from Travelodge. I’ve booked two nights away in Scotland to research my family tree.  Discovering that one of my family names is rooted firmly in the Lowlands for 800 years, is a very exciting revelation that deserves more attention. So that’s January’s ‘look forward to’ sorted and I have a lot of planning to do before I get there. Genealogy is one of my big addictions and I need to do more of it.

There are also plenty of shorter trips I can do. I have art galleries, cinemas and museums within easy reach and no excuse not to try some of them. When Spring makes an appearance I can start venturing further afield and indulge my love of running and hiking across the countryside. Come back summer, all is forgiven.

I can get through this. I have been through bleaker times and survived, so I recognised the signs and symptoms of where things were heading. Christmas away time put things into perspective. And 2019 is now a blank page that only I can fill.

 

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