157: End Of The Year

My lack of posts stems from the fact that I just don’t care about dating anymore. I’m home for Christmas and dealing with one day at a time, with the joy of a family with whom I don’t share many similaries, struggles or ethics but it breaks up the routine and gives me something else to focus on.

Mike wants to meet whilst I’m down, but I don’t know if I can be bothered. Andre occasionally reappears when I am home and at least is a basically okay person. Fuck knows where Harry is. And his behaviour on our last few dates has reminded me that this is not the kind of person I want in my life so I’ve let it go, kind of glad he made it so easy for me.  I guess sometimes ghosting without consequences is the best mutual outcome you can hope for.

I realise that my current state of mind is about much more than dating and that one may (or may not) have had a direct impact on the other. The shifts in my life over the last three months have challenged every aspect of how I live. Over all, I think the changes will be good long term, but for now they are not and everything serves to remind me that the world and everyone in it, is a bit shit (in my own humble and very jaded opinion). I realise this is absolutely NOT the case, but I am happy to wallow in my own anger for now. Believe me, it’s a coping strategy.

I’ve got to find whole new ways to structure my existence so that I get out of that mindset, because of course, not everyone is shit. I do despair of the human race however, but the human race, thankfully, is not my problem. I need to stop making all of it my business but people are hard to get away from.

As I’ve defaulted into this very pessimistic and cyncial version of myself, as I am apt to do, pulling myself back from the situation I am currently in is a challenge that needs a very determined plan on my part to shake off. I haven’t worked out how that’s going to happen yet. I need to get through the very depressing and financially stresseful joy of Christmas first and then make a plan that might drag me out of my pit. I suspect the long dark winter days do not help. Spring and summer are uplifting. Everything has conspired at the same time, and that’s tricky.