My mind wandered the other day to how far I’ve come on my journey. I never set out with a plan, I never wanted to feel one way or the other. I just wanted a new experience, a more liberating way of doing things. I wanted to be okay with everything, to not feel the way men made me feel or how I made myself feel. I wanted to stop being a victim of my own emotions and of my own terrible decisions. I wanted to stop feeling unable to keep on making the same mistakes over and over again. It took me far too long to get a grip on it, but finally I think I got there.
It’s now been almost a year since I met Andre and began to make sense of it all, to realise that I could do relationships without all the emotion, without the dependence. Without having to give up my freedom, my life, the way I want to do things. Now there’s three of them and it’s like it was always this way. Simple, uncomplicated, relatively hassle free.
The most striking factor is that, although I can still remember how I used to feel, I cannot imagine ever meeting anyone again who makes me feel like I used to – good or bad. I can’t imagine falling in love again, getting butterflies, being obsessed with someone, being heartbroken. It seems like an alien concept to me now. Do I regret that? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I couldn’t go through again, all the pain I’ve suffered over the years. I’m not sure my mental stability could take another round to be honest.
If it does happen again – that spark – I can’t even begin to imagine who he will be. If I want to avoid all the red flags that have caused me so many problems before, what’s left? I come with my own set of red flags as well. We all do in our own way. And these days I am careful to protect myself. I don’t do vulnerable. But I never have.
The only draw backs of singledom for me, are having someone to share day to day life with and, probably more than that, financial survival. That, right now, is my current challenge. I’ve joked on Twitter how I’d marry for money just to be secure, but I’m not joking, not really. It would still need to fit my new ethos, I still value my independence, but it is starting to become a very attractive possibility. Whatever happens, I have learned to be a survivor, to be practical. To some how get by.