The novelty of human beings wears off pretty fast and to be honest I am pretty much there right now. You reach a point (an age) where whatever dregs are left have a catch to them. I’ve been under no illusion of that for the past five years or so, and I’m finding them at every turn. But hey, I’m not excluding myself from that denomination by any means.
Andre turned up unexpectedly on my doorstep last Thursday, and not because he wasn’t invited, but because I couldn’t be bothered to read the message he’d sent me half an hour before. That’s the stage I am currently at. I can’t be bothered even reading the texts anymore.
Tonight was another date with Harry. I am always mentally geared up for them now because frankly the guy is fucking hard work. But aren’t we all. He insisted on taking me past the Christmas market despite me being quite clear that I detest all that materialistic Christmas bollocks. So when I complained about it, he told me to ‘stop fucking complaining’. Always the jolt that reminds me that in some ways he’s a bit of a c***. I like to be reminded to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.
There is a reason Harry is as single as he is at the same age as me. He reckons he’s a pretty sociable person but from what I can tell he lacks some social cues. Maybe I am too sensitive. I dislike confrontation. Instead of working with someone’s opinion, he is happy to tell you you are wrong as bluntly as he chooses. He very much has a ‘if you don’t like me you can fuck off attitude’. I get it because I KNOW there is a reason he is in his mid forties and still single and it has fuck all to do with choosing to be single. He is intolerant because he has spent so long being on his own.
Partly one of the reasons I am still single is because I make choices like Harry. Because I have no idea how to pick a normal person, or at least a socially normal person and because I bend too easily. This is undoubtedly my failing. I’ve been doing it since my first teenage crush. Every single one, without fail, has been a lame duck of sorts. This is my main reason for remaining non-monogamous. Damage limitation.
Harry, as an example, will tell you what he thinks of your comments on – I don’t know – social housing. I would bend a little and at least be polite. Harry thinks you’re an asshole and he’ll make you feel like an asshole without having to tell you so. I don’t do confrontation but ‘fuck’ I am really starting to answer back.
Harry is still around because he is interesting, unpredictable and good in the sack. And that is it. I don’t know why I am still in his life. I guess because noone else will put up with his bullshit. Maybe he doesn’t see the problems. He lives in a houseshare with little conversation and I am beginning to think this is less to do with his choice of housemates and more because of him. I wouldn’t live with him.
Thank fuck for living alone is all I can say.