150: Some Thoughts On Non-Monogamy

Harry’s appearance on the scene three months ago (boy has that gone fast), has had me thinking, unconsciously, about my situation. He has become the most regular of my irregulars, and a reminder of why I am sure I have made the right decision staying away from committed relationships. Everything seems to be slipping into place.

He continues to be the most inspiring and ‘different’ of my set. He’s also more committed to our set up than the others but not too committed. We can easily go 4 or 5 days without contact.

Whilst his once a week visits are fun, he isn’t the easiest of people to handle, probably because, like me, he is used to doing things his own way, in his own time and he doesn’t give a fuck what you think. This is because, also like me, he doesn’t need to be attached to people. He can take them, or leave them.

Occasionally, he annoys the fuck out of me for putting me in my place, because I am opinionated and judgemental and open my mouth first and engage my brain later. But then so is he, and that’s the clash. He is less tolerant than I, although I think that’s more because I am just more polite and forgiving than he is. He just doesn’t tolerate shit and has no problem with speaking his mind – something I have never quite mastered. I am good at simply walking away.

Harry is also my only overnighter and it’s good to get the most out of that. He is passionate, very sexual. This is what it’s all about right? Connection and sex. But when he’s gone, I’m glad to get my flat, my bed and my routine back.

Mike continues to be a once a monther if lucky. I am less bothered by him. He’s okay and let’s face it, free dinners and posh hotels aren’t to be sniffed at. He’s more upmarket and a tiny reminder of how things used to be for me. It makes a nice change from my cold flat and calorie counting. Even I like to be spoilt occasionally. It’s rare in my life. Andre is more sporadic and literally stays a few hours in the evening. He is governed by work, his social life and kids. No problem. He’s also funny and easy to get on with.

They are all very different and I cannot imagine, for one second, having to a) be exclusive with any of them or b) put up either of them more than 36 hours in any one week. I can’t imagine the perfect person who would want me make that. I revel in my time alone, my own routines and my own decisions.

Quite simply I have really settled into this whole single not single thing and I never want it to change. Now, I don’t know if this is because this is how I ALWAYS should have done it, and hadn’t or whether doing it has conditioned me. I slipped pretty easily into it, so I suspect it’s always been in me. But the more I do it, the more I prefer it. Not falling in love with them is really key. Emotions are horrible, messy, relationship killing things. You can’t be level headed about someone when your head and your heart are all wrapped up in them. You just can’t.

That detachment is key to this working, and when you’ve chosen a particular relationship route, you can’t change it. You need to be into someone, but also be able to switch off when they’re not around. When you’re not exclusive with them, wondering where they are and what they are doing, why they haven’t messaged you or aren’t around on the night that YOU are free, all falls outside of the equation. You have no right to think about that, and you don’t.

5 thoughts on “150: Some Thoughts On Non-Monogamy

  1. Maybe. If the right one comes along you hope you’ll recognise them. But I do wonder if the last year (and everything that’s gone before) means I am a bit broken in the relationship department. If I am, that’s okay, for now but how that might change in the future, I don’t know. Financially this is the hardest way to live and is probably why I lived with partners before more than anything. Always on that learning curve I guess!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you are in a good place. You have your connections and the type of intimacy that suits you. I would be happy with that too (except I have met someone who changed everything for me). AT least you’re off the BS dating apps and dealing with all that crap. I’m pleased for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Negotiating the land of serious relationships again sounds daunting. You fall into it naturally and eventually someone comes along that turns your head in a different way. We just KNOW when they come along. But they can be just as unpredictable. I hope yours work out. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s