149: One Year Ago Today

It’s a year today since I took up the challenge and joined the online daters. Gianluca was my baptism of fire. I can’t even remember what it felt like back then. Thankfully. It’s not an experience I want to repeat.

In total, 50 different men have passed through my dating sphere. Many of them were timewasters I would never meet, some were clearly scared to meet, others I met and wanted to see again but didn’t and vice versa. Others, however, are still around.

In fact, of the 50 I had some kind of contact with, I met 15, either just for dates, or for more. I don’t think that’s bad going considering the channels I used. It’s been quite enough if I wanted to keep my sanity. I deleted all the dating apps back in August and I haven’t felt inclined to use them again. Nothing has changed. It’s the same faces, the same timewasters, the same fake profiles and my current trio is all I need right now.

My attitude towards relationships has changed enormously over time. I’ve come to value what I have now but for different reasons. I get to keep my independence, my own routine, my own identity. My own space. When things have been complicated in my work and personal life, I’ve had that space to work it out my own way. I don’t have to continuously cater for someone else, or consider them in my plans. I make my plans, they make theirs. If our free days tally, that’s great.

And all three are very different, they want different things, they all come from very different backgrounds and have very different lives. And that’s also a bonus because I get to hear about three very different people when we meet and there’s no time for boredom. If someone annoys me, or I’m just not in the mood, I can distance myself and put things into my own perspective. There’s no time or place for overthinking situations or circumstances.

As for love? I don’t feel it. Our relationships are based on sex and companionship but that’s it and that is all I want. There is no considering something substantially more – for two of them because of their own situations, for the third because he is like me and values his complete independence. I don’t want anything more than I have now, so for now, everything is just how I want it. But it’s taken just short of a year to find it.

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