I don’t believe in finding Mr Perfect. Perfect is a mythical construct. It’s the imperfections that make someone interesting and create their life narrative. They are the things that keep your relationship being a relationship and not simply two people being. It is why I go to dates with an open mind, without expectation and without preconception and invariably go with the ones who are interesting rather than classically attractive or who have hit their life milestones.
You never know who’s really on the end of a dating profile and until you meet face to face, you’re never quite sure what you’re going to get or if those sparks will fly. Harry forms the perfect trio I was looking for, and for now things tick along perfectly. I don’t question it.
Meeting Harry was an instant click. We had it on text, you could tell we had things in common that went deeper than our favourite food, but I wasn’t sure how deep for most of the evening. Even so we got on like best friends the moment we came face to face. We were relaxed and easy in each other’s company from the outset. We just clicked.
But that’s just personalities, not sexual chemistry. There was no ‘best behaviour’ or trying to impress each other. We are both of the ilk ‘take me as you find me’. I immediately found him inspiring, progressive, unchained to the dullness of real life. Like me he is spontaneous, relatively unshackled from responsibility and he craves experiences you can’t get on tv or in city night life. He does things his own way. There is no conformity.
These are just a few of the things I admire about him. He’s like me/I’m like him, just a freer version. He’d nailed it, taken the leap. I am still nervous about the first steps and trying to work it out.
There are aspects of him I desperately want to be more of, not because I’ve met him, but because I have always wanted to be them. I’m just not quite as brave as him. Maybe that’s why fate has brought us together at a time when I suddenly find myself more available to follow my desires than ever before and in many ways more willing. For the first time in a very long time all my stars seem to have aligned perfectly. I am also in need of those things which he finds so easy to obtain. So what’s stopping me?
Of course, as I would expect from someone I am attracted to, Harry has red flags all over him, literally. He has a lifetime of complicated and hard experience behind him. I see this even though he hasn’t really told me anything about his life yet. I get snatches which remind me I’m on the right track. But I go into that eyes open wide because I am not looking for that exclusivity and everything about his personality tells me he isn’t either and, for me, that is comforting.
In many ways our experiences are similar and have brought us to a similar place, but I think he took his lessons further than me, both mentally and physically. He is more impulsive and emotionally rooted than me. He is wilder than me, more expressive. I am still good at reining things in, remaining tightly in control. I think he is the person I would have been had I not been as emotionally restrained and guarded as I learned to become. He is a more committed and hardcore version of me.
After our date we were to part but he went in for the first kiss. I had misread him in this aspect. I hadn’t been sure if was interested in me in this way. Clearly he was. And clearly he is a lot more sexually available and emotionally driven than I realised. He never made it home that night. This has been the general routine of our dates ever since. I wouldn’t say he’s becoming a regular feature of my bedroom (we both value our independence more than that) but he’s no stranger either.
Considering what I think I know about him, he seems to be remarkably okay, remarkably buoyant, outwardly at least. He is optimistic, lively. All life is a fantastic experience, every opportunity should be devoured. I don’t know if that’s a cover, or if he has fought his demons, won and come out the other side. Maybe this says more about my imperfections than his. I am fully aware of my own red flags but I don’t consider them to be deal breaking, and the deeper I go into this lifestyle the less red those flags seem to be.
I choose not to ask questions of Harry. I want to leave him to tell me what he wants, when he wants. He’s not ‘on type’ for me physically but I have never ended up with type because I am always attracted to personality first. Type for me always lacks substance and is even less dependable than quirky, if such a thing can actually be possible. And when personality is wrapped up in quirky, with demons and red flags and everything, I find it irresistable. And that is Harry, just like all the others before him.