114: Reevaluating Again….

I have been looking critically at what I want from a relationship. It isn’t that I haven’t done it before, that’s what lead me down the single and then the CNM route in the first place. It’s transitional. It’s a journey. But more recently, MG had made me look at the longer term, the prospect of an actual relationship. The thing is, I don’t want to lose my independence, physically or financially, I don’t want to get married and I certainly don’t want kids. Right now, I don’t even think I could live with someone.

But just for a moment, with him, I started to imagine a future doing just that. That shouldn’t be a long term goal for me. I don’t think, deep down, it works for me, but in my mind there is a little bit of me that really really wants that exclusive relationship with someone I can trust and build a solid future with.

I don’t have a big social circle. I’ve moved house, and often town, 17 times in 26 years, so my friend base is very fragmented. For the last 7 years I have worked alone (the first four from home) so a fundamental question for me is, am I simply misinterpreting my social needs as wanting a relationship? Am I looking to fill that people gap with one individual. It’s a very narrow way to manage your life and I’ve done it before so I know how introverted it can be. It never goes well and it’s not healthy for me. It is in part what makes me wary about committing to a full timer.

A relationship is one person. Yes it’s sex, yes it’s intimacy (of a kind) but I can get that without being official with someone. Andre continues to live up to expectation. That’s 7 months now. Mike is simply an interesting addition ‘when in town’. It is what it is. And now that I have downgraded MG from boyfriend possibility to someone I like and occasionally get to sleep with, I have been happier. Avoid expectation and you avoid disappointment. I can’t deal with the disappointment. I can’t deal with the unpredictability of people.

I’ve stopped overthinking it and taking personally, each day without a text, something that’s becoming more frequent as the days go by. MG’s situation grows more complicated and stressful for him and I’m starting to think I probably won’t ever see him again at this rate purely because his current circumstances do not allow it. That’s not his fault, it’s just bad timing. Even so, a part of me feels like he is deliberately distancing himself from me. I don’t know him well enough to know how he copes with stress. He did say he just shuts people off when he has to deal with things like this but a part of me thinks that I have already lost him. So I’m backing off.

I started swiping on Tinder and Bumble again at about this time, but I’m just not feeling it and it made me feel worse. The profiles don’t sell themselves, people don’t care enough to make themselves look interesting. They give me nothing to go on. It made me more miserable. So I deleted both the apps after less than a week and tried Badoo again with similar results, now also deleted. People are basically rubbish so I’m not even going to bother. There is no reason why I should not be content with what I have. It fits my current plan after all.

Thanks to all this I am starting to focus on myself again now. I’ve got myself an exercise regime. I’m cutting down on all the crappy comfort food (I’m a boredom eater) and most importantly, I am nurturing that self worth that often gets forgotten once I engage in a cycle of demoralising online dating. It’s the carousel that never stops turning.

I am a master at turning my negativity inward so I’m fighting against that and after a couple of false starts I think I’m on the up again and I’m glad I am winning again because I need that strength right now, I really do.

19 thoughts on “114: Reevaluating Again….

  1. “Avoid expectation and you avoid disappointment. I can’t deal with the disappointment. I can’t deal with the unpredictability of people.”

    It becomes heartbreaking…but at least I know I have a heart.

    I don’t know if it is my projecting my current hurt onto your writing or if it is the intention of your writing but it seems sad.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good luck to you on that! It is so important and what you write about here really resonates. Especially this: “I can’t deal with the disappointment. I can’t deal with the unpredictability of people.” I feel that way too. But isn’t that life? Isn’t life about not being able to control people and circumstances? My best comfort is to adopt a Buddhist attitude of ‘what will be, will be’ and the wheel will turn and all that – otherwise I invest too much in an outcome I can’t control.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It is kinda sad. I’ve had to re-engineer my own responses to manage the fact that people don’t live up to hopes and dreams. If I didn’t I’d be an emotional wreck most of the time and I haven’t got time for that because it pervades every aspect of my life. It’s a defence tactic that’s taken me years to perfect. The thing is, now I have it, I don’t think I could go back. That may not be a bad thing but I haven’t had the chance to try it out. I certainly don’t turn away people that make my heart flutter but I am quicker to walk away when I spot the signs I’m going to be let down. I’ve always been choosy. Those that do catch my attention have always been fairly few and far between. But at least I find strength in singledom now rather than feeling like so many of the people I read about on Twitter who just keep asking ‘what’s wrong with me?’ I never want to be that person.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh totally. I will always admit to being a control freak so it’s good I can now handle that and deal with shit because shit happens. 😀 I definitely adhere to ‘what will be will be’. You can’t make someone be the one for you. They either are or they aren’t. I embrace that completely.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It reaffirms the me that’s always been there but gets a bit lost when emotions get in the way. That’s kind of ok when they are directed at someone who’s worth it but not when it isn’t. The thing is, more and more I find myself coming back to this default setting. I think the pickings get slimmer as you get older and you see people differently. I’d hate to be a hormonal twentysomething again. I like my standoffish approach now that means I can evaluate sensibly. I think everyone should be able to learn to embrace that sense of self because it takes the fear of being single and of ending things away because you know you have your own strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Yes I get a strong sense that you know your own self worth and also that you are OK with being alone. I am the same, although I am more prepared to take risks, and I do have a default setting of emotional intimacy and a need for it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve just reached a point where there is only so much trying I need to do. I know my own limitations and I know how I’ll reach to certain situations. I also have a snapping point. Oh I am prepared to take risks. I took plenty of those in the early days of online dating and if the right prospects come up I’d still take them. But I’m feeling like I mopped up the best people early on. It’s incredibly difficult to get anyone to hold a conversation and even harder finding anyone with a profile online that gives you something to go on. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I found that the combination of online dating and blogging has helped me to re-evaluate what I want from life and start focusing on things that I can do that will get me more of what I want from life. In that way focusing in being happy regardless of how many guys were messing me around.

    This focus on getting the most out of life is one of the reasons I decided that I would ask an old family friend for his number and stay in contact. We have now started what could be an amazing romance.

    In short what I’m trying to say that is if you are focused on making the most of life you are more likely to grab that opportunity when it comes your way.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I don’t know if things have changed being you and MG, you wrote this in July. But I think you want to peruse him because he is available (as in no wife/girlfriend) and ultimately we all want to be with the ONE. Weather it is now or years down the line someone will make you re-evaluate, and it looks like MG has done that for you. But be aware because of his child, you will always be put on the back burner. If you can cope with that everything should work out. Good Luck 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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