I have been looking critically at what I want from a relationship. It isn’t that I haven’t done it before, that’s what lead me down the single and then the CNM route in the first place. It’s transitional. It’s a journey. But more recently, MG had made me look at the longer term, the prospect of an actual relationship. The thing is, I don’t want to lose my independence, physically or financially, I don’t want to get married and I certainly don’t want kids. Right now, I don’t even think I could live with someone.
But just for a moment, with him, I started to imagine a future doing just that. That shouldn’t be a long term goal for me. I don’t think, deep down, it works for me, but in my mind there is a little bit of me that really really wants that exclusive relationship with someone I can trust and build a solid future with.
I don’t have a big social circle. I’ve moved house, and often town, 17 times in 26 years, so my friend base is very fragmented. For the last 7 years I have worked alone (the first four from home) so a fundamental question for me is, am I simply misinterpreting my social needs as wanting a relationship? Am I looking to fill that people gap with one individual. It’s a very narrow way to manage your life and I’ve done it before so I know how introverted it can be. It never goes well and it’s not healthy for me. It is in part what makes me wary about committing to a full timer.
A relationship is one person. Yes it’s sex, yes it’s intimacy (of a kind) but I can get that without being official with someone. Andre continues to live up to expectation. That’s 7 months now. Mike is simply an interesting addition ‘when in town’. It is what it is. And now that I have downgraded MG from boyfriend possibility to someone I like and occasionally get to sleep with, I have been happier. Avoid expectation and you avoid disappointment. I can’t deal with the disappointment. I can’t deal with the unpredictability of people.
I’ve stopped overthinking it and taking personally, each day without a text, something that’s becoming more frequent as the days go by. MG’s situation grows more complicated and stressful for him and I’m starting to think I probably won’t ever see him again at this rate purely because his current circumstances do not allow it. That’s not his fault, it’s just bad timing. Even so, a part of me feels like he is deliberately distancing himself from me. I don’t know him well enough to know how he copes with stress. He did say he just shuts people off when he has to deal with things like this but a part of me thinks that I have already lost him. So I’m backing off.
I started swiping on Tinder and Bumble again at about this time, but I’m just not feeling it and it made me feel worse. The profiles don’t sell themselves, people don’t care enough to make themselves look interesting. They give me nothing to go on. It made me more miserable. So I deleted both the apps after less than a week and tried Badoo again with similar results, now also deleted. People are basically rubbish so I’m not even going to bother. There is no reason why I should not be content with what I have. It fits my current plan after all.
Thanks to all this I am starting to focus on myself again now. I’ve got myself an exercise regime. I’m cutting down on all the crappy comfort food (I’m a boredom eater) and most importantly, I am nurturing that self worth that often gets forgotten once I engage in a cycle of demoralising online dating. It’s the carousel that never stops turning.
I am a master at turning my negativity inward so I’m fighting against that and after a couple of false starts I think I’m on the up again and I’m glad I am winning again because I need that strength right now, I really do.