The day before Jamie was due back in the UK, a week after our first meeting, Michael hit me up on Badoo. It was now 16th November.
He cut a good look, I’d ‘liked’ his profile but left it there. I wasn’t quite as excited for him as I was for Gianluca or Jamie, but maybe this was a good thing. I had to stop falling in love with these guys. That wasn’t the game, this is what made me vulnerable. It was time to switch the tables and make them work for me.
Michael and I began with some typical nicities then I confessed to being bored with the conversation and we moved on to more interesting subjects. From the outset we discussed our disinterest in permanent relationships and all the ‘bullshit’ that entailed but that regular hookups with reliable people with no strings attached were a good thing.
I discussed my meeting with Jamie the weekend before, he mentioned a girl he’d seen Thursday who he’d dated for a short time who had become a casual regular. The next day we moved to Whatsapp and we swapped the usual pictures. Because of our agreement early on, talking about previous meets or other existing partners was not off limits. No names, just circumstances, experiences. It reassured both of us we were not exclusive.
Michael was almost as creative as Gianluca, less passionate than Jamie and definitely out for one thing. Which suited me fine. It seemed uncomplicated. And despite the two and a half hour distance by road between us we agreed to make a date at a midway point during the next week.
Michael was similar to the others, separated with kids. 45. But his job was far from high end management. He was employed though. He seemed like a fairly regular guy, enjoying his freedom and getting it wherever he could.
The second night of Jamie’s first weekend back in the UK since our meet, came and went with no acknowledgement of my last message which he’d read after he arrived home. I wanted him to send me something so I could ignore him in return. It never came. I quickly began to lose respect for him. He’d had no right to make me feel like that. He was my first physical hook up and that’s a special thing. But it was a learning curve.
It became clear that the only way I could move on from anyone who I had shown an interest in and had let me down was the have another waiting in the wings. Gianluca was still a possible but only if I was with someone else. That was our deal. He needed to be the bit on the side, he wanted to be my dirty little secret, so that I didn’t emotionally invest in him. But I was reminded of comments he had made earlier in our three weeks together about his reasons for wanting to break it with me. He said generally he got bored of a woman after a couple of times with them. He said he didn’t want to treat me in the same way because I was too nice. He said he could imagine wanting me over and over again and that if he went with me he would ‘stay well’ and wouldn’t try again with his wife. He said he needed some time.
I wasn’t entirely sure what that meant. Sometimes the meaning was lost in his struggle to grip English, so I left it there. No pressure. He said our intensity was more than he’d experienced with anyone else, that I was dangerous for him, ‘that I didn’t know how much he wanted me’. I think that was our personality connection more than anything. We clicked on an emotional level, like best friends do. This wasn’t just about sex, we definitely had something else. I think he was scared that he would be getting into something he could not control. In a way that’s where I wanted him. I was always the victim, I wanted to be the victor. But I valued him and I had a level of respect for him I couldn’t put my finger on. It wasn’t love. I don’t know what it was. I didn’t want to damage our relationship.
In the mean time, I needed the Michael’s of this world to give me something to take out my frustration on. Sexually all three of my ‘hook ups’ had similar tastes to me. There was nothing vanilla about any of us, but it was always safe. I guess girls who wanted to settle down just didn’t like the rough and tumble.